lady_mitzi

This morning I sat on the sofa with Sam, watching CBeebies and relaxing, and with my second brain I did a quiz I'd found in a magazine. I feel the need to share this with you, as it's too stupid to be true. Play along with me...

Start with your age....33

1) How much alcohol do you drink?
a) No more than a glass of wine a day (subtract 5 years from your age)
b) None at all (subtract 2 years)
c) More than 14 units a week (add 20 years to your age)

My new age...53

Now this is just stupid. I've just checked an units-in-drinks calculator and found that a standard glass of white wine (175ml) has 2.1units in.  As a comparison, a small double vodka has 1.9 units in.  So if you actually answered a) you'd be over the limit.  Who actually drinks just one of those titchy little glasses a day?  

Most weeks I'll have a couple of days when I don't have a drink at all.  I'll have between two or four days when I have one drink - that's the regular glass of wine, or the double vodka.  And then I'll have one or two days when I'll have quite a bit more. Or I might not.

2) Have you ever smoked?
a) No, never (Subtract 5 years)
b) Yes I did, but I quit  (Add 10 years)
c) Yes ( Add 20 years)

My new age...63

I quit 5 years ago and will never be restarting.  Hmmmppphhhh. 

3) How often do you excerise?
a) At least 3 times a week (Subtract 5 years)
b) A couple of times a week (Subtract 2 years)
c) Once a week or less (Add 5 years)

My new age...61

I take it they mean a proper workout, not just walking.

4) How much sleep do you get at night?
a) 5-8 hours (subtract 5 years) 
b) 8 hours or more (Add 5 years)
c) Regularly less than 5 hours (Add 10 years)

My new age...71

I'm going on what I get when I'm working nights - that's usual for me, and will be again soon. 

5) Confess your suntan secrets
a) My tan comes from a bottle (subtract 5 years)
b) I've used sunbeds (add 4 years)
c) I often tan with minimal protection (add 15 years)

My new age...66

I don't bother with tanning.  I stay out of the sun. 

6) How often do you floss your teeth?
a) Twice a day (subtract 5 years)
b) A few times a week (add 2 years)
c) Never (add 10 years)

My new age...76

I never got in the habit until I was pregnant, and when I had Sam I lost it again pretty quickly - 10 years!!!! What CRAP!

7) How much oily fish do you eat in a week?
a) At least two portions (Subtract 5 years)
b) Four or more (Add 1 year)
c) One portion or less (Add 5 years)

My new age...81

Oh FFS! I like fish, but not THAT much!

8) Who do you share your home with?
a) With a long term partner (subtract 4 years)
b) With friends (Subtract 2 years)
c) Alone (Add 10 years)

My new age...77

9) Describe your stress levels
a) I cope with stress well (subtract 5 years)
b) I sometimes feel stressed (add 5 years)
c) I feel very stressed, most days (Add 20 years)

My new age...82

Who DOESN'T sometimes feel stressed?

10) Do you get five fruit'n'veg a day?
a) Yes, and then some (subtract 5 years)
b) Usually (Add 5 years)
c) Rarely (Add 10 years)

My new age...92

And there you have it.  Apparently I have the body of a 92 year old.  I've met many 92 year olds in my job, and I can honestly say that I believe have strong grounds to appeal.

The results come in three categories - 5 years or more younger, roughly the same age, or five years older or more.  The advice they give to me - surround yourself with family and friends to help you cope with life's stresses and setbacks - may not be quite enough to counteract the effects of extreme old age though.  

I wonder if they have internet access in residential care homes for the elderly? If it all goes quiet from this end you'll know that they don't....

Sam doesn't like the sun. I do, but frankly Sam has been so bad tempered and irritable over the last couple of days with his pink cheeks and his faintly sweaty smell and his complete inability to stop whining and asking to be carried and entertained that I'd happily put a stop to this summer business entirely if it were in my power. 

Yesterday afternoon after posting my *neighbour rant* here I went to collect him from his ABA training session.  Apparently he'd been working very hard and had proved himself capable of matching photos to their corresponding objects (although he wasn't so consistently successful at matching the other way around), and of matching coloured blocks to the corresponding coloured paper, and of handing over his shoes on demand. By the time I arrived he was tired, hot and irritable, and he continued in that manner until he was finally allowed to go to bed. 

Between collecting Sam and the happy event of his bedtime, however, were four hours of cross, unhappy boy to get through, and I thought I'd spend some of them in taking him for a walk.  His team of therapists and I have been working hard at encouraging him to walk whenever possible with the aim of being able to function in the real world without a buggy one day, and over the last few days he's finally starting to express a preference for walking most of the time.  The problem with this is that if I go out without the buggy he'll doubless become quickly tired and demand to be carried (and he's HUGE! And HEAVY!!) and if I go out in the buggy he's harder to hold on to. *Foreshadow alert* From now on I shall never go out without putting his reigns on.  

Sam is obsessed with parking meters, letterboxes, flappy signs, holes in the wall, narrow ledges that can be walked upon, steps of any kind and running down hills, and when he gets the urge to persue any of these interests he tries to wiggle free.  He doesn't usually manage it, but on a couple of occasions yesterday he did.  He likes to run away from me while looking back over his shoulder and laughing as I chase him, shrieking "SAM! STOP!!!". To be fair I can see why that might be funny, but obviously I can't allow it to continue so I have put that behaviour on extinction.  I grabbed him both times and carried him back to the buggy I'd had to leave stranded in the course of my persuit and threw him back into it.  I completely ignored his whining protests, his sticky little hands on mine as he turned around and begged for attention, his eyes as they implored me.  I was so proud of myself as he calmed down and started singing happily to himself.  Until I noticed that I'd lost my bag. 

I had no idea when or where it had gone.  Worse case scenario - some opportunist had grabbed it when I'd flung it in the buggy and left it behind when I was chasing after Sam. Best case scenario - I'd left it in the supermarket.  Luckily I'd had the common idiocy to leave the house without my keys or my phone so I took Sam to my husband's workplace and left him there while I went back to the supermarket to see if it had been handed in.  It hadn't, so I spent the evening on the phone cancelling all my cards. 

And this morning a security guard from a local business called me and told me he'd found it.  And nothing was missing.  I'm thinking it might be a good way to not spend any money this week....there's always a positive side if you look hard enough!  The security guard, Adrian, told me with a smirk that he'd had to go through my bag to find identification, and here's what he would have found;

-  One pot filled with squares of bread (snack for Sam)
-  One pair of used socks (mine) 
-  One photo of neighbours on roof (as seen in previous post)
-  One million and one old receipts and bus tickets covered in random scribblings and calculations
-  One Autism Alert card
-  One phone recharger
-  One purse, complete with cards and small change
-  Lots of fluff
-  Two broken pens
-  A hairy hairbrush

Luckily I don't get embarrassed anymore. Thanks, Sam.